How I Became a Pop Star and Made Millions

I can't sing, nor can I dance, but it didn't take long for me to reach pop stardom here in America. With some hard work and a tweak to my image, I gained worldwide recognition and put millions of dollars in the bank. It’s been over a year since I decided to quit my job at Red Lobster and pursue my dream of becoming a pop star. Today, I can finally say that I’ve made it. I even have a pair of shoes for each day of the year, and I couldn’t be happier. So how did I become a pop star and make millions? It was simple...read on.

Hair and makeup

Looks are important, especially in America’s beauty-obsessed society. You will never attract a fan base without a sexy image. But with the right clothes, hair, and makeup; even the ugliest duckling can be transformed into a swan like me. In order to support my image, half my earnings are spent on clothes, mostly furs and shoes. I also employ two of the best French hair and makeup artists. The right sunglasses are vital, and I wear mine at all times.

Image is everything. As any pop star will tell you, it's an image we sell, not music. Once it has been perfected, “all you do is show up, with your long hair, and your breasts...” as stated by Macy Gray in the video below.

Learn how to sing

Don’t let your inability to sing stop you from pursuing your dream of becoming a pop star (I didn’t). With pop music, talent is only a small piece of the pie. Instead of a beautiful singing voice, I use Auto-Tune. Auto-Tune is an audio processor program that corrects any off-key singing, bends the pitch and modifies the tone. In essence, it makes bad singing sound good. I use it at home for recording, and on stage during live performances. On top of that, I always have my band behind me; they are a bunch of nerds, but they play their instruments pretty well, I guess.

Create and distribute

Using the Pro Tools program on my iMac, I was able to record my first album in my mom’s basement. I then shared my first tracks with the world on YouTube and MySpace. With websites like Facebook and Twitter, I can even update my fans from my iPhone while I sit on the toilet before breakfast every morning. With in-store record sales down 40% and MP3 sales skyrocketing, a record deal is unnecessary. I use iTunes to distribute my music to the public. In fact, iTunes now accounts for 70% of online digital music sales, making them the largest music retailer in the world. Not to mention, I get a bigger cut (10%) from iTunes than I would with any record deal. This is important, for if it weren't for the money...why would I be doing it?

Song writing

I don’t write my songs to cleanse my soul, positively influence a young mind or to start any kind of revolutionary thinking of the masses. As a matter of fact, I don’t write my songs. What most people don’t know is that there’s a difference between a singer and a songwriter. I am a singer, and many singers including myself, hire professional songwriters. Johnny Cash, Elvis and believe it or not, your boy Diddy, have all made millions on songs they had no hand in writing. So remember, when pursuing your dream of becoming a millionaire pop star, don't let something so minor like an inability to form sentences hold you back...

Performing

As a pop star, the live performance is very important. The professional dancers, pyrotechnics, video, and lighting effects that surround me on stage create for an exciting live performance my fans love. A fair amount of casual nudity and sexual innuendo is always appropriate and never hurts ticket sales either. All of this together on stage helps bring in big audiences while simultaneously helping to hide the fact that I can’t sing or dance.

Love yourself

Self confidence is very important if you want to make it as a pop star. Your ego has to be at a level above the rest. Remember: you are special and not all rules apply to you. Whether you are out at the grocery store or in the club; you are better than those around you. When I wake up every morning, I look into the mirror, point, wink, and tell myself, "you are awesome." This daily ritual has helped boost my ego over time. Practicing a similar ritual can help do the same for you.

Becoming a pop star has been a dream come true for me, but it's also been a lot of hard work. I am constantly busy with live performances, music videos, interviews, photo shoots, autograph signings, appearances, award shows and more. Looking good all the time isn't easy either. With so much work to be done, it's hard to finding the time to spend my money. I have however, found comfort in spending large amounts of it on things I don't need and frequently making it rain on them hoes. If ever you dream of becoming a pop star, use my advice to make that dream come true. If I did it, so can you.